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heres a tip.. if swomeone has very very very very VERY severe abandonment issues…DO NOT make a promise to “never leave” them and then abandon them and then come back into their life and then threaten them with abandonment. 

and thren do not fucking EVER call that threat an “ultimatum” to try to fucking RATIONALIZE it.

do not do that

do not ever fucking do that

don’t do that

don’t

don’t fucking do that……..

Ah…everyone is leaving me so fucking early tonight.

I have no right to be angry.

It was my fucking fault that I blacked out for hours today from taking so many pills during the ultra sound to check for internal bleeding and slept most of the day at the hospital after blacking out.

I did it to myself. It was my fault that I blacked out due to an overdose and slept all day at the hospital and am now wide awake and am going to be all night. Your friends are not fucking abandoning you by going to fucking sleep at a normal fucking hour, Koen. What the fuck is wrong with you, Koen. You have no right to be angry, Koen.

Jeeze.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Actually, I think I do know what’s wrong with me.

I’m all messed up from what I did to myself with these medications, I think. Why did I mess with the doses? Why did I think I knew what I was doing? Why did I think I knew better than my fucking doctor? I didn’t even do any fucking research. I was just like “Oh, well it worked with this med so it’ll probably work with this one!” and just went and fucking upped the dose. And then upped it more. And then one more. Like “What the hell, a little bit makes me feel great, so why not pop a few more? And another? Ah, upping a psych med by three pills in one week won’t hurt! Certainly not! I mean, the other one was fine! I spaced it out a bit more and I was a little more careful, but this one should be fine! I can be less careful with this one because I was careful with the first one and that went fine with no incident so it’s okay to be a little less careful with this one! And I mean, when I get high on pain killers, I up doses like this all the damn time! It should work like that with psych meds, too, right???”

Oh god. How wrong I was.

I didn’t even have major depressive disorder anymore. I wasn’t suicidal anymore. I didn’t have any of these issues anymore. I had gotten over that. I was cured of that! I was just dealing with schizophrenia alone now. Nothing else. And I was getting better with the help of my psychologist and doctor and this psych eval coming up and these meds that were working well before I FUCKED with them…

Oh god, now I’m all messed up and I…I feel so…I don’t know. I feel so fucking suicidal. And I feel erratic. I feel all over the damn place.

I dropped the dose completely. I was taking 5 pills. Coz I upped the dose by three pills. And obviously that was a goddamn mistake. So I just dropped the three pills that I upped it by entirely. And I took 2 today instead of five. Oh god.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy did I think I knew what I was doing? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy!? I don’t know a goddamn thing about psych meds! I don’t know a goddamn thing about psychology in general! Yet, for some reason, I got it in my head that I knew EXACTLY what I was doing simply because the first one I tried to up worked so perfectly. It had such a fucking WONDERFUL effect. Just because I’ve been on psych meds since I was a teenager and now I’m in my early 20’s does NOT mean I know a goddamn thing about them…and for some reason, I made that connection in my mind like it made sense. And it doesn’t. It doesn’t make sense, Koen. Stop thinking it makes sense.

Jeeze.

It’s not just the doses, though.

Like I’ve said, I’m not taking them at the right times, either. I haven’t been for months now.

I’m supposed to take them at 11am. THAT’S NOT HAPPENING. HAH.

It’s been going like this, like I said;

11am, 7pm, 8am, 1pm, 6pm, 12pm, 5pm, 9am, 4pm…so on and so forth. TOTALLY random times. Basically whenever I wake up…and then whenever I can force myself to take em.

Coz I have to take close to 15 pills when I take my meds. Over half of those are psych meds. And they just make me gag and they make me nauseated and my body KNOWS they do so even when I’m just getting the pills out of the bottles, I start gagging because my body knows what’s coming.

I have no issues downing my drugs to get high though and those make me gag and my body knows they make me gag, too. Hah. Wonder what that’s about. I wake up and am barely awake and roll over and down my drugs before I can even get out of bed to function. Yet I have to be totally awake and wait HOURS before I can even THINK about downing my medications…and even then I put it off for hours until I can finally get the strength to force myself.

Oh jeeze, Koen. You fucked everything up. You can’t be trusted with your own goddamn medications. You’re 22 fucking years old. Why is this such an issue? You’re an adult. This should NOT be an issue.

Ugh. God.

I feel like a fucking failure…

You're not hopeless, it's just going to take time for you to get back in control. It's going to be weird and miserable for a while, but with medication and outside help it can become manageable

I feel like schizophrenia has already won, to be honest. I really, really do. It has destroyed my life. Almost completely. Almost entirely.

Haldol isn’t working anymore. None of my meds are really working anymore. I need new meds.

Or…maybe it is because I fucked up my meds.

Tried to play psychiatrist. Tried to mess with my doses. Got cocky and thought I knew what I was doing. Thought I knew better than my doctor.

And because I haven’t been taking them at the right times at all.

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

I really, really, really need that psych eval… .. .ugh.

awwww-cute:

Four paws make the best pillow

awwww-cute:

Four paws make the best pillow

Jeeze. For the past like…idk, 4-5 months now I have been waking up with these weird random bruises all over my fucking body with absolutely no explanation as to how they got there. For the longest time I have been thinking it is just drugs and my drinking that have been making me forgetful and clumsy and bruising myself…but I’m getting them in weird places. Totally randomly. I just wake up and I have these bruises. And it’s like what the fuck. All over me. In totally random spots.
What the fuck. ._.

Jeeze. For the past like…idk, 4-5 months now I have been waking up with these weird random bruises all over my fucking body with absolutely no explanation as to how they got there. For the longest time I have been thinking it is just drugs and my drinking that have been making me forgetful and clumsy and bruising myself…but I’m getting them in weird places. Totally randomly. I just wake up and I have these bruises. And it’s like what the fuck. All over me. In totally random spots.

What the fuck. ._.

Confession time: I find the personality of Koen *incredibly* attractive. Something about the new you brings out my inner Domme. Not sure if its the bluntness or the more mature outlook on life, but whatever it is, I like it. <3
Anonymous

Idk why a more dominant personality would bring out someone’s Domme. Hah. I’d think someone becoming more submissive would bring out someone’s Domme? Idk. That just doesn’t make sense to me? I’m confused. Lol.

But that really makes me quite happy.

This ask made me quite happy indeed.

I’d be quite a challenge for any dom(me), though…I’d probably simply be too much work for any dom(me) in general. :| Past challenge. Sigh. I wish someone would collar me…but no one would want me. I miss having (a) dom(me)(s). I’m like 90% masochist…but I’ve developed a good amount of sadism. So now I’m wondering if I’d be a switch. All of my past hosts have been pure subs. Pets. Pain sluts. The absolute perfect pets. Me? Not so much…My past hosts were rebellious…a bit of a challenge. But after their dom trained them and earned their trust, they were completely obedient. Me?…I’m never obedient. Ever. Not even after training. So I wouldn’t even be considered a “challenge”. I’d simply be considered…”too much work”. Sigh.

I wouldn’t make a good pet. But I’d want to be one. See my dilemma here?

I certainly wouldn’t make a good dom either. I’m too indecisive for that. And I have too much lack of impulse control. I’d get too carried away and I’d end up hurting my precious subs…and I would never want that. Ever. So I wouldn’t want to ever dom someone without another dom who could jump in and restrain me at any given moment supervising me.

I basically want a dom who…is a total fucking sadist. Hah. That sounds weird, doesn’t it? I want someone who will put me in my fucking place every goddamn day. A borderline abusive relationship. Well. It wouldn’t be abusive to us. But what I mean by “borderline abusive” is that the vanilla world would see it as “borderline abusive”. That’s what I want. It certainly would not feel abusive at all to me though. It would feel wonderful to me. Stimulating. Perfect. Blissful. But I’d want the vanilla world to look at us and go “Oh my fucking god. Is he/she/they (whatever gender(s) my dom(me)(s) might be) abusing him!?” Haha. Because I want my dom(me)(s) to be such fucking sadist(s) that I want them to literally crave punishing me and “torturing” me and, ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE, FORCING me to feel helpless at every given moment possible.

God, that is what I want more than everything.

I want someone who craves making me feel helpless. In every situation. Everywhere. In public. At home. Everywhere. (Except in rare situations which would be discussed beforehand…like, say, meeting my family, for instance, if the relationship became that serious.)

But the only problem is that I’m pretty much asexual…I mean, yeah, I can get turned on physically. But I don’t desire sexual things much. If at all. I crave emotional, psychological, mental, intellectual, spiritual connections.

I crave everyday life connections.

I don’t want a sexual dom/sub relationship. I want a lifestyle. I want a dom(me) that will just make me feel helpless throughout the day…doing totally normal tasks. Like while grocery shopping. Or while walking Echo. Or cleaning the dishes. Or just punish me randomly for rebelling. Coz lord knows I will rebel at everything. I want someone who will grab my wrists and hold them tight enough to hurt me so I can’t get away. I want them to hold my wrists so tight that no matter how hard I struggle, I won’t be able to get free. And I want them to hold me down when available…like at home. Throw me on the couch or the bed or the floor…like…just pick me up and fucking fling me down and pin me and let me struggle beneath them and taunt me and tease me until I’m breathless and can’t fight any longer and am completely and totally helpless and at their mercy below them.

And I want my dom to understand that I WILL rebel against that helplessness.

I want my dom to know that me rebelling and acting like I HATE feeling helpless…and like it is “hurting” me and me struggling and whimpering and shaking and whining like a puppy and saying stuff like “No. Please…please stop. You’re hurting me. Let me go. Let me fucking go, you sick bastard! I’ll kill you! I’ll fucking kill you! Let me go! Let me go let me go let me go!” and stuff like that…all of that is me play acting. Because it turns me on mentally and emotionally and psychologically. God, nothing makes me feel better than that feeling below someone who I know loves and cares about me. Especially when they’re taunting me and teasing me about things like how much weaker I am than them or how much smaller or laughing at me or telling me how pathetic my struggling is or being all “You think THIS is hurting you?” and then doing something that hurts a hell of a lot worse. Oh god, THAT is my subspace. THAT is what pulls me straight into subspace.

That is my ultimate weakness right there…if my dom(me) can perfect that scene with me (there’s a few perfect ways to perfect that scene with me…sometimes a little roleplaying beforehand with some toys to beat me with and really get me in pain to set the mood gets me going absolutely fucking crazy)…then really, I will fucking fall to their knees and worship that fucking dom(me). Seriously.

I do use colour codes and safe words.

But that is why I want my dom(me) to be a sadist. I want him/her/them to just make me feel absolutely helpless and assert their authority and NOT feel sorry for it in any way and NOT apologize when I am protesting and doing all of those things like being all “Stop. You’re hurting me.” and whining and whimpering and crying occasionally. Because that is just me play acting.

If you are REALLY ACTUALLY hurting me, emotionally or physically, I will use a fucking safe word or a colour code. THAT is when you should feel sorry. If I use a safe word to stop the scene or whatever you’re doing to me entirely, break character and fucking feel sorry. That is when I want to see worry in my dom(me)’s eyes and I want them to check me and kiss me and be gentle with me and apologize and ask if I am okay and tell me they love me and pet me and hold me close to them. And pet me. Yes. Keep petting me. Petting me is important. I like pets. Pet me lots when you hurt me for real. If I use a colour code, I want you to at least look up at me and flash me a hint of worry with your eyes and ask me if I’m okay with your eyes. And change up whatever you’re doing according to whatever colour code I use. And then if I nod and give you a little smile, then I want you to at least give me a smirk back or something or some sort of acknowledgment or something! Something. Idk.

THAT is what I pretty much want.

BUT

That is pretty much asking a lot.

And I’m preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure there isn’t a single dom(me) like that on the entire fucking planet.

I have been to a LOT of fet gatherings and cons because my past dom(me)s took nicki out to them a lot when he was their pet. And I have met a LOT of dom(me)s. A LOT. And I have NEVER in my fucking life met a dom even CLOSE to someone like that.

An experienced dom(me) who is a combination of a total sadist…pretty much asexual but doesn’t mind foreplay and roleplaying scenes and stuff …someone who can show concern and worry when needed…someone who can actually handle me…someone who knows I am schizophrenic and can deal with that…someone who also knows I do drugs and is okay with that (and i’m not talking pot…i don’t smoke marijuana and i don’t like it either.)…someone who wants to basically live the everyday lifestyle more than the sexual lifestyle…someone who craves making me feel helpless and small beneath them…yet someone who will take wonderful care of me and who will love me unconditionally and who will get to know me inside and out and who will respect my boundaries and respect my safe words and my colour codes and who will give me proper after care. . 

idk.

i’m asking a lot. and no one like that exists. haha. i know i will never find the “perfect dom(me)”.

i mean, my very first domme was perfect. she was…perfect. well, she was nicki’s domme. not mine. she was just absolutely perfect. ugh.

nothing like i described. but nicki had WAY different needs than mine. he was a much different sub than i am. MUCH different.

but…goddamn, she was incredible. .. i’d do anything to go back and see her again. anything. ugh.

but yeah. i’m weird. and no one like that exists. so i really should stop dreaming. but.

THAT WAS TOTALLY OFF TOPIC SORRY

anyways

i don’t know why a more dominant personality would bring out your inner domme. haha.

nicki was a total sub. i’d think he would be more likely to bring out your domme than me.

i’m much more aggressive and mature and dominant and sadistic than he is. i’m not sure why in the world i would bring out someone’s inner domme…hahaha.

but this is a really sweet message. thank you.

1kidsentertainment:

sempiternal-memory:

voiceofnature:

So I dyed my cats pink with leftover beet water. No regrets! &lt;3 :D I had to wash them because of some oil spill they had gotten into, and chose to use the beet water, which is perfectly safe. I had no idea it would really make them this pink. 

I bet this poor person has gotten plenty of hate filled messages from people that didn’t read the caption and think she used real hair dye.

COTTON CANDY KITTY

1kidsentertainment:

sempiternal-memory:

voiceofnature:

So I dyed my cats pink with leftover beet water. No regrets! <3 :D
I had to wash them because of some oil spill they had gotten into, and chose to use the beet water, which is perfectly safe. I had no idea it would really make them this pink.

I bet this poor person has gotten plenty of hate filled messages from people that didn’t read the caption and think she used real hair dye.

COTTON CANDY KITTY

foxmouth:

Places of Solitude, 2013 | by Laura Tidwell
green4phid:

HAPPY UFO DAY!!!! C:

green4phid:

HAPPY UFO DAY!!!! C: