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camdonius:

Trip Into Insanity
koen honey, i sincerely wish you the best of luck with getting better, i hope you'll be okay soon. i'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. i hope this hell will be over soon and you'll get your job back and save up and live on your own again, get your degree and be happy again. you have my full support (sadly i can't be there with you but if i could i'd try my hardest to help you out) good luck again <3
Anonymous

Thank you so much anon! Seriously. That means the world to me. Really.

I’m trying to do all I can to distract myself right now from the pain because I can’t sleep due to the pain. I wish I could sleep because I barely got more than 2 hours of sleep last night. But the pain keeps me wired.

Support is definitely what I need right now. And what I will need for quite a while.

I’m going to be changing meds soon, as well…which, I’m sure, is going to be a fucking roller coaster. So I’m going to be having some pretty dark nights.

Messages like these really make me smile. Thank you so much. Seriously. <3

(Blacked out personal info of course)

BUT this means that I have to fucking take MORE pills&#8230;on top of everything else. And I just&#8230;ugh. swallowing so many medications makes me nauseated.

These are just the temp scripts he gave me from the ER to get through the night though. Coz by the time I got out of there, all the pharmacies had closed. So I gotta get em filled in the morning. But ugh.

But ALSO picture of wrist because for ONCE IN MY LIFE I only have ONE of those fucking gauze pads on my wrist because the nurse did a STELLAR job at drawing my blood and got the stick in my wrist on the first try so I am super happy about that.

But ugh.

I&#8217;m just.

In pain.

In lots of fucking pain.

I kind of hope I do have to get surgery because then that would mean I could get ALL of this over with like&#8230;immediately. Whereas if I dont have to&#8230;then idk how long all of this is gonna take. And I could be in this intense pain for a while. I mean, yay, more pks but&#8230;not worth it for this intense of pain&#8230;fuck.

(Blacked out personal info of course)

BUT this means that I have to fucking take MORE pills…on top of everything else. And I just…ugh. swallowing so many medications makes me nauseated.

These are just the temp scripts he gave me from the ER to get through the night though. Coz by the time I got out of there, all the pharmacies had closed. So I gotta get em filled in the morning. But ugh.

But ALSO picture of wrist because for ONCE IN MY LIFE I only have ONE of those fucking gauze pads on my wrist because the nurse did a STELLAR job at drawing my blood and got the stick in my wrist on the first try so I am super happy about that.

But ugh.

I’m just.

In pain.

In lots of fucking pain.

I kind of hope I do have to get surgery because then that would mean I could get ALL of this over with like…immediately. Whereas if I dont have to…then idk how long all of this is gonna take. And I could be in this intense pain for a while. I mean, yay, more pks but…not worth it for this intense of pain…fuck.

Well I just spent the last 5 hours in the ER. Again. Goddamn I am really getting sick of the hospital. Looks like I’m actually going to have to get surgery, though. Not entirely sure, though. They’re making me follow up with a urologist tomorrow about my kidneys (which is the issue) and letting him make the call but the doctor said he was like 99% sure I’m gonna have to get the surgery. I have to call him at 8 in the fucking morning tomorrow. Ugh. Not looking forward to getting up that early.

They took a cat scan today though and figured out what was wrong in combination with my blood work. And they drew like 10 vials of blood (idk how many exactly but it was at least 10 before I lost count) and then when I blacked out they YELLED at me when I woke up for not telling them I was anemic! It’s like they all think just because they all know me personally they think they can yell at me. Jeeze. Just about all the doctors and a good bit of the nursing staff have been over to my parents house quite a few times since my mom works at the hospital and is good friends with all of them and of course Nicki was always social so whenever he was around whenever they happened to be with my mom he’d come up and say hi and stuff. Got good perks whenever he was in the hospital and stuff.

But jeeze. Whenever I’m in the hospital my mom works at, sure I do always get special treatment. I always have my whole life (In fact, the first time I was ever at a hospital that my mom DIDN’T work at, I was absolutely shocked at how they treated me). But there’s downsides, too, because they think they can yell at me and be like “Goddamnit Koen why didn’t you fuckin’ TELL me you were anemic!? You were supposed to tell me that before I drew like 10 vials of blood, you know!” And I’m like “Well, jeeze, doesn’t it say on my chart!? I mean, it kinda came on suddenly! The room went all blurry and I got dizzy and shaky and then it went black!”

Gosh. They do that kinda thing, though. Y’know like how when family members and friends are treating you for illnesses, it’s a lot different than when a stranger is doing it? Yeah. That kinda thing. And since I know more than 80% of the staff personally, and pretty much all the ER staff…it’s like.. .ergh. Sometimes it’s like yay and other times it’s like ugh.

But

I got an oxy script out of it. Coz the amount of pain I am in is pretty fucking serious. And what’s wrong with me warrants it. Thank fucking god. I mean…not thank god…coz I want this fucking pain to go away. Coz I have not been in this much pain in…well, not since I had to get my fucking gallbladder removed.

It was bad yesterday. Bad enough to go to the ER.

They told me to come back if it got worse.

And oh my fucking god it did. I woke up this morning and I was literally SCREAMING in pain. My mom came downstairs because I was screaming so loudly. And she was like “What the hell?” and I was crying so hard that I couldn’t even speak but she saw that I was holding my lower back and my side so she knew it was the same issue I had been in and out of the ER for the past few days.

So she was kind enough to drive me to the ER…because I literally could not even move. And could barely even breathe. She had to like…get my dad to help carry me out to the car. I tried to walk but it didn’t really work. It kinda worked. Halfway. Idk. I’d like to say I walked…but I don’t think I really did. But for my dignity’s sake, I’m gonna go ahead and say I walked.

Anyways…

They did a lot of tests. They’ve BEEN doing a lot of tests over the past few days.

It’s basically because I attempted suicide twice these past couple days. And because I’m a fucking drug addict. And an alcoholic. And have been for the past 10 years of my life. And because I’m on a LOT of medications which just adds to my pill count. And because of my anorexia making me starve myself for 4 days at a time. And because I dropped 30+ pounds in less than two months, which is apparently not safe. And because I’m less than 100 pounds now and am doing all these pills and not eating at all. And then downed a fuckton of pills in suicide attempts…which just accelerated everything. And since I’ve had kidney issues before. Years ago. And recently.

And uhhhhhhh…yeah.

So uh.

I fucked everything up, basically.

And I mean…I’ve been trying to get better. BUT right when I started to try really hard to get better…was RIGHT after I had basically given up and fucked everything up with all the damn pills and extreme lack of food. God fucking damnit, I mean they were absolutely shocked at how many pills I’ve had in me over the years and the fact that I’m still alive right now.

But I’m doing things to fix that now. I’m doing a hell of a lot of things to fix that now. With the help and guidance of my Master.

And after I see this urologist tomorrow and get the decision on whether I’m gonna have to get this surgery done or not, I’m…I’m really gonna try to not fuck anything up.

Seriously.

I’m seriously going to fucking try to change everything. I’m not even kidding. I entered into this contract with my Master…and there are a lot of rules in there that are difficult for me, but reasonable. I mean, it’s not like a “quit everything overnight right now!” kinda thing. Which would be unreasonable. And I’m not planning on quitting. I don’t ever want to quit drugs. That is not the direction I’m headed. Don’t get that idea in your head guys, coz that’s not happening. But I am going to be cutting back an absolute fuckton…I mean…to basically save my life. Because what is going on with my organs right now, not just my kidneys…is pretty much life threatening. Coz the kidney issues I am having right now are the most pressing matter, but they are not the only matter needing to be attended to. And the doctor had a very serious talk the other day with me about how if I keep “being so harsh on my body” with various things (in which he listed the things he sees as “self destructive” habits in me), he said I’m looking at organ transplants in the near future. And then described the procedure to me and made it sound really, really terrifying. And then told me a few horror stories. And idk if he was just doing all that as a scare tactic to try to get me to change or what…but I mean, idk. It did scare the fuck out of me though because organ transplant procedures sound scary as fuck…I actually didn’t believe him when he was talking to me about it so I went home and googled it and found out he really wasn’t kidding and that just scared me to fucking death. He got really serious with me, though, which was weird coz he’s not normally a serious person. So it just freaked me out a little coz I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not at first.

But now that I’m in THIS much pain…to the point at where I literally woke up and was screaming and crying and couldn’t even breathe because the pain was so sharp and intense and thought maybe I was dying or something,…I believe him. I do. I really do.

So I’m just. ..taking a break from everything now. I’m taking everything as prescribed to me. Nothing else. Prescriptions only. And as indicated on the bottle. Even this oxy script, as tempting as it fucking is to just pop one or two more, I’m not going to.

I haven’t been in this much pain in a long fucking time.

I deal with external pain really well. I don’t mind external pain. In fact, I enjoy external pain a lot of the time…but internal pain? Holy fuck, I CANNOT handle internal pain. I just can’t. Jesus fucking christ. I can’t.

And even with these fuckin’ oxys in me…AND aleve…AND the anti-biotic…I am STILL in so much fucking pain that I can barely move or breathe.

I just..  .I want this to stop. I want it to stop so badly.

So I’m going to start eating. At least once a day. Little tiny meals, though. Nothing big. No more alcohol. At all. And only prescribed meds. And at the correct doses. And no more goddamn overdosing. Fuck. FUCK.

Holy fuck.

I have been crying off and on all day today and yesterday because of how much pain I am in.

They were going to keep me at the ER, but I refused the IV meds they wanted to give me…coz, well…you know me and needles. Severe phobia. They were lucky to just get the fucking blood from me. The nurse that did it was really awesome though. She actually did not complain when I asked her to do it in my wrist and not my arm. And she got it on the first fucking stick. Unlike most people. Jeeze. She was awesome. It was just the passing out part that wasn’t cool. She did keep asking me if I was okay though. Coz she kept being like “You look really pale.” ‘You’re shaking.” “You’re sweating.” “Are you SURE you’re okay?” “You’re not dizzy?” “Are you SURE?” And then I totally passed out. Lol. I guess they had a right to be mad..hah. I just didn’t think it was important to mention I was anemic. Idk.

But. Uh. Yeah they were going to keep me and put me on IV meds. But I was like “No. Absolutely not. No IVs. No.” and so they were like “Well. Uh. Alright. We’ll discharge you with all oral stuff, but it’ll be a lot weaker.” and I was like “I know. I don’t care. I don’t do IVs. I can’t. Sorry.” Coz I can’t. I really can’t. And I certainly did not feel like having a million panic attacks and then having to be strapped down and sedated. No thank you.

But they said that if the pain gets any worse at all or if I pass out again or if I get dizzy or lightheaded or if I get a fever or go into cold sweats or throw up or nausea or blood or anything like that…I’m obligated to come back in immediately and I am not allowed to refuse the IV meds. And I had to sign a fucking paper saying that. ._. Coz apparently it’s like. . really important for some reason. I don’t get the big deal, to be honest. I don’t see why they can’t just give me all oral stuff. I just…ugh. Ughhhhhhhhh.

Hopefully it won’t be an issue and I will just be able to go see this fucking urologist tomorrow and everything will be okay and he can fix it and…all of this will be over with. ..and…ugh.

I’m so sick of this.

Coz after all this is over with and my physical health is better…I’m gonna fix this. I’m gonna fix all of this shit.

I’m already pulling my psychological problems together by getting back into therapy and coming clean about my past and getting on the right meds and getting that psych eval done and basically just being honest about EVERYTHING. I’m getting all of that in order. And I’m going to fucking conquer this schizophrenia. I don’t fucking care what it takes. And Master is going to help me with that.

And then simultaneously…after I get all this medical bullshit taken care of, I’m going to cut back on the drugs a fuckton and cut the alcohol out entirely…with Master’s help…and I’m going to figure something out to help me with this anorexia…talk to my therapist about it. Figure out a way I can keep a healthy diet and remain below 100 pounds. So I won’t be so fucking sick all the damn time. Idk. Maybe talk to a dietitian. I actually know a dietitian…now that I think about it. The one at the hospital. I’m actually on really good terms with her. She comes over here all the time. She’s one of my mom’s good friends. And she knows me well. Maybe I could talk to her. Hmmmm….

Idk.

I just know I have to fucking fix a hell of a lot of things in my life.

And I have to get my job back. And I have to get the will to sign up for classes before this semester begins. Ugh. And It’s already the 27th. ..fuck. And I have to pass them. I only have a few more classes before I earn this next degree.

And then…then I have to get enough money to move out of my parents house again. Because my court order is up now. I can go wherever I want now. And my money isn’t all going to drugs now… .. I can save up now. And Master will help me allocate it appropriately if I ask, I’m sure. Living with my parents is just so fucking difficult. Especially after having lived on my own for so long. And especially since my parents are…the way they are…

Fuck.

I’d be gone now if I had the money. But I mean, I can’t even pay my bills or rent right now…so I mean…I’m close to being kicked out anyways. Uhhh…fuck. I need my psychologist to write that note saying I’m mentally stable so I can get my job back.

But.

Oh jeeze.

I just need my fucking kidneys to stop. Can I just take them out or something? Fuck. Why do we even have to have organs or anything…can’t we just…ugh…why….ugh.

Fuck.

I’m so sick of being sick. I’m so sick of the hospital. I’m so sick of psychologists and medications and doctors and…

I’m sick of everything.

Thank god I have Master to help me through everything. She is my fucking rock.

I’m going to turn this all around thanks to her. And thanks to me. Coz I’m just…me. Idk. I got this. I’m mature enough to realize when I fucked up. And I most certainly fucked all of this up. And now I need to fix this. And I am very grateful to have her help. And I’d be very grateful to have the support of anyone who would be willing to offer it. Because I am in for one hell of a fucking fight.

Probably for the next few months, if not the next year or so.

This is not going to be fucking easy…

gravitationalbeauty:

Sphere by jose valdemar caruso
I had a dream about you a couple days ago. It was really sad but really sweet at the same time.
Anonymous

Reaaally???? What was the dreamm???? Tell meeee.