Music sending good vibes out.
Ready to go back Under the Electric Sky!
Yeah. .I wknow. I said that it woudl be a recreational thing. .and it is stillna recreational thing. . But I just. Idk. I want it every day coz if I dotn have it th en I feel like im dying and or I feel weird and idk how to exolajn it because im fucki mg drunk and on a ton of dfugs and I feel AMAXING. Idont know. Sorry. Lol. Uhm…idk. I dont know. I dont do anything too much imo. . I dont thinkt here is such a thing as “too many” drugs. Or “too much” alpchol. Just liek I find it hilatious when people ate like “isnt it a little early to be drinkign??” Hahahaha it makes me l laugh. People are so stupid hahaha.
Idk idk idk. Sorry. I wull shut up. I hoep none of these psych mefs have a fatal interaction with liquor and illegal drugs . .I guess I woudl have found that out by now if it did tho ugh h??? Idk. Haha. My heart is still racing rhough. And the lightheadedness is AMAZING. IT makes me feel so much fuckin higher. .I love this… I dont even know.
Am I making sense? Im totally fucked right now. Sorry. I love you thoughhhhhh lots n lots#!!!!
I just hate psych meds because I have had nothing but bad effects with every single one I have tried… Well I guess thats not entirely true. There have been some good effects mixed in…like with thorazine. But the bad has far outweighed the good.
Idk. Im just scared…ive tried handfuls of different psych meds. .and they all backfire on me. Always. So idk how this experience is gonna be any different…
Sometimes I think it is like that one person told me; that I just feel so weird and crazy on them because my brain is actually thinking “normally” instead of while riddled with mental disorders…and since im not accustomed to thinking like a “normal” person, it makes me feel insane.
But other times I just think these things make me legitimately insane and that I must be sane beforehand and dont really need them even though my doctors and psychs say I do need them. Majority of the time I really feel like I dont need them…or, rather, that I dont want them…but idk. Idfk.
I just dont fuckin like psych meds…not just coz they have all backfired on me…but also because the stigma of psych meds is…really really bad. And me being on FOUR fucking psych meds…god, if anyone finds out they are going to think I am absolutely fucking insane…and they are gonna be scared of me. .and then they are going to leave me…and…I cant handle that anymore. I cant handle anymore abandonment…
I dont know. Im trying to keep this a secret from everyone irl…but idk how long that is gonna last seeing as I have to pause like 4 times a day to take medications… .ugh.
I dont know how im possibly going to fucking remember to take all these things all the time all day every day…I mean, jeeze…I have to take them at 11am, 5pm, 10pm and 11pm. :/ my whole goddamn day is gonna revolve around pausing to take pills…I mean, I already do that coz of drugs but I dont have to take drugs on specific times. .I just take em whenever I start feeling a come down so that I can boost my high again. With medications, I actually have to take them at specific times otherwise they wont work right.
How the fuck am I supposed to remember to take these all day every day when I am constantly fucked up 24/7???? I mean I am high on drugs all day which makes me spacey…and then I drink all day long from the moment I wake up to yhe moment I black out at night from all the liquor…so I’m constantly tipsy all day long and then absolutely plastered at night… Im not gonna fuckin remember to take medications four times a day!! Agh… . .im gonna fuck up. I know I am. I know im gonna fuck up…
I mean I have been so consistently fucked up that I have been forced to drop out of college…how the hell am I supposed to remember to take medications four times a day?? I wont. Ima fuck everything up just like I always fuck everything else up… .ugh.
I fucking hate myself. I can never get anything right. Goddamnit.
Ehhh yeah…youre right. Idk. There are a few medical sites where I could anonymously ask questions involving illegal stuff…but I’m too paranoid of them tracing it back to me. Reddit is pretty much the only safe place for those kinda questions other than legit drug forums like bluelight or qhatever the fuck it is called. Uhm…but eh i avoid reddit at all costs. .hah.
Im alright. I mean…about a half hour after I took the second dose, my heart started racing again…and the double vision and lightheadedness and dizziness came back…but now it has all turned into a fuckin headache. .and I can feel a migraine coming on so I just popped another antimigraine pill coz I get chronic migraines anyways. But idk. Ergh. My head is just throbbing now…and my heart has slowed down but it is still going pretty fast…but it feels more internal than external now. Idk man. Idkkkkkkk.
Im scared about when these drugs start affecting me psychologically. .since, you know, it takes about two weeks for psych meds to affect your mood/mental stuff/etc…im scared theyre gonna fuck me up really really badly like thorazine and celexa did…ugh. but then again I was going on hard trippy drug binges while doing those. .and I guess trippy drugs interfere with anti depressants and anti psychotics pretty badly. Im staying away from trippy drugs this time…just sticking to opiates and benzos and shit like coke and h and f and dilaudid…and of course ima be binge drinking like crazy as I have been… But I dont think those things affect the psych meds as badly as trippy drugs like lsd and x do. Idkkkk. I guess we will find out in about a week or two. .hahhh.
Idk. I fuckin hate psych meds. Ughhhhhh.
Nah I have never seen you exhibit any “jerk” traits unless you have done it on anon. Lol. I think youre wonderful.
Ahhhh…ive always hated reddit. :/ id rather not go on that damn site, nevertheless post something on it. Ergh…
Wheres the medical side of tumblr when you need em?? Yknow like the pharmacists and nurses and stuff. Whered they all go????? Theyre never around when you need em, haha.
Oh well. I guess I will find out if all these drug/medication interactions will kill me in a week or less so I guess we just have to wait and see. Lol.
Yeah like…it is pounding to where I can feel it on the outside and not just the inside. It doesnt hurt though… And it has now been like 5 hours since I took it and it hasnt stopped but it has gotten a little less. And the dizziness and double vision and lightheadedness has pretty much gone away completely. But. . It is time for a next dose of it. The lamotrigine I have to take one pill a day and increase it every two weeks until I am taking four pills a day. The ziprasidone I have to take twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. And the buspirone I have to take one tablet three times a day. My doctor said to space it out to about 5 hours inbetween each dose. So im taking the second dose of buspirone now. Maybe the accelerated heart rate will happen again…maybe it just lessened coz the first dose was wearing off. Ugh. Idk. I thought about calling my doctor and seeing if this is normal…but I cant tell him I’m abusing prescription drugs and doing cocaine and binge drinking on top of taking these medications…and that could possibly be why I am having such a rapid heart rate. Idfk …ugh. I need a doctor friend who knows that I do illegal drugs and binge drink that I can ask these questions to. :C rrrgh.
I mean…I guess it is alright coz it doesnt hurt. . If my chest starts hurting, thats when I will call my doctor. But right now it is just REALLY uncomfortable and kinda unnerving…so idk. :/ ugh.
Thank you for all your help. Seriously. Like. . Wow. I couldnt ask for a better friend. You are amazing.