why cant i be attractive like everyone on tumblr
feeling sassy with my jasmine hoop from Moodhoops
My last picture of Millie got like 100 notes so here’s another. ^.^
Ahhh, I see. No, I don’t remember you, I’m sorry. I have a lot of Nicki’s memories, but not all.
Yeah, Nickita made a lot of videos. He was quite fond of getting in front of the webcam and ranting about weird, pointless nonsense on video. Why, I’m really not sure. I do not see the appeal.
But then again, I’m terrified of what people will think of me. Nickita was able to control the way he moved and looked and such. ..I can’t because of my schizophrenia. He was lucky it was dormant when he was in control. Because my mannerisms, like I have said, have gotten some pretty traumatic reactions in public…so I’m terrified to go on camera and make a video. Also, my voice and tone and inflections and such are a touch different than Nickita’s…noticeably so. Which freaks me out a bit because then you will all see what I’m like irl (even though I would take care to show a TON of restraint in video)…
I know a lot of people have been wanting me to make videos…but I haven’t a clue what they would be about. Nickita just rambled about everything. I can’t just get on camera and do that. Maybe I will get really, really drunk one night (before the point of black-out drunk coz that has been my problem…getting drunk enough to black out) and make a video. I’m not sure. No one has seen me on cam, yet. Only a few people have seen how I act irl.
So… Idk. If someone gave me a prompt or something, I MIGHT consider it…but I doubt I would get the courage to do it. It freaks me out way too much…idk.
But…you’re sweet. You seem incredibly sweet. I’m so sorry I don’t have any memories of you. You seem like such a wonderful person, though.
AND WOW OVER 2 YEARS??? Jesus fuck…that’s crazy. Hah. Idk why anyone would follow me that long. What is with all these people coming forward and confessing they have followed me for like 2-3+ years???? Fuckkkkkk. That’s crazy. Makes me impossibly happy, though. Like, idk why anyone would ever follow me that long and go through my blog transformations and personal transformations with me as I mature and grow and attempt to recover. .. .but that makes me very happy. <3
Oh my god, man. You just…made me cry with this message. When I first read it days ago (however long ago that was…bad memory), I literally ended up in tears.
I would never be offended by something so sweet and nice and wonderful…and just, wow. You are such a wonderful person. Jeeze. Thank you so fucking much for this message. And thank you SO much for reading my FAQ all the way through. That means the whole damn world to me…I can’t even put into words how much that means to me. Thank you so much.
I really need to rewrite that first bit whenever I can write it non-passive-aggressively…but every time I try, I end up with the same passive aggressive tone. So I’ve just given up re-writing it for now. Lol.
You say you don’t know if you could’ve made it…but, really, I think you could have. I think a lot of people could. Most people have told me they don’t think they could’ve made it through my situation (especially regarding schizophrenia)…but you know. ..it’s funny how you find out you can handle a HELL of a lot more than you think you can when the world throws curveballs at you left and right all day and night every day/night and doesn’t let up for months.
If this had happened this time last year or any time in my existence before that…I probably wouldn’t have made it, tbh. But it is happening now for some reason and not this time last year or any time before that. And the reason I say all that is because this time last year, I had a diagnosis of major depressive disorder that I had had for practically my whole life. Trying to kill myself every other week. Now, my diagnosis is just depression. Just normal depression. Which, I mean, is still horrible…but it is a MAJOR step up from major depressive disorder. And I oftentimes wonder if I don’t even have regular depression anymore. Maybe just situational depression, at most. I mean, yes, I am depressed every day…but it is NOTHING like how it was my entire life. I spent my whole life taking it out on myself and my depression would instantly turn to suicidal impulses and oftentimes end me up in a ward. Now, my depression instantly turns to anger which then allows me to vent my depression in the form of violence and destruction…which stops me from trying to off myself every week or biweekly. But if this had all happened this time last year or ANY time before that…I probably wouldn’t have made it.
But now I am discovering that I can handle WAY WAY WAYYYYYYY more than I thought I could. I mean, I didn’t think I could handle like 5% of this and I have been handling all of it. And still am. I still don’t understand how I even handled that 5%, nevertheless the rest of it…or how I’m still going…
I owe it a lot to the medications I have been on. As a druggie, I have always said that pills cure everything. And they do. Medications cured my depression. And cured a lot of other things for me as well.
But now I screwed everything up with my meds sooooo idk. Hahhh.
Oh. I’m gonna stop before I end up going any further into a ramble.
Just know that I love you to death and this message made me burst into tears and I just want to hug you and never let you go. You are a precious human being and I love you dearly. Hearing someone admires me is the highest praise I can get. And that in itself is worth everything. You’re wonderful. Ily. Thank you so much for the message. Seriously. This made my day. <3
Oh god…don’t get me started on otherkin. I’m probably going to offend some people, but you asked so I will tell. Otherwise I wouldn’t talk about it.
I just want you to know that I am friends with otherkin and I respect their wishes to be called and referred to as whatever makes them feel good/comfortable, but I do not like “otherkin”. I mean, that doesn’t mean I won’t like someone who happens to be an otherkin. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that I don’t like what otherkin stand for or what they represent.
I’m sorry, but I really, really, really do not like the whole “otherkin” fad. I just…oh my god, it pisses me off, to be honest. I mean, yes, it is fine to feel you are not human or that a part of you is not human. That is totally acceptable. But to feel you are genuinely things that are just improbable (even sometimes impossible **aka fictionkin/otakukin/etc**) is just…I don’t even know how to word my thoughts on that but they are not positive.
Otherkin make me angry because they take away from. ..welp, I’m about to really offend some otherkin when I say this (but as you know, I’m blunt and honest about everything, so here we go…)…but, because they have taken away and (possibly not purposefully) undermined actual, legitimate movements like LGBTetc rights with absolute nonsense. And it makes me mad because there are so many of us (not just LGBT people, but people of different races and such as well) who have been abused and threatened and kicked out of homes and disowned and bullied to the point of suicide attempts and so much more for those kinds of things. Otherkin just make me mad because I feel like they are making fun of serious issues like LGBT rights (I’m using that one a lot, but there are other movements as well that are just as important). I feel like otherkin are basically saying “Lol, you’re gay/bi/trans/etc? And you have been through all this trauma and hell and nearly lost your life because of it? Lmao, well, guess what…I’m an otherkin who identifies as -insert some typical otherkin thing here- and I am just horribly oppressed because of it! No one understands me while you’ve got so many other LGBT people surrounding you! Obviously, my feeling like -insert thing here- is far more important and legitimate than any of you who are ACTUALLY legitimately a certain way! Haha! LGBT rights? African american rights? What about otherkin rights!?”
Oh good god. Otherkin sound the same to me as straight people do when they ask for a “straight pride month”. And that just gets under my skin…a lot. Really fucking bothers me.
NOT TO MENTION (****note: this is not true of all otherkin; this is just a vast major generalization I have seen from majority of otherkin) most otherkin are kids. Teenagers, mostly. Who don’t know a goddamn thing about the real world (and of course, cue all the teenagers whining about how ‘I know everything!’ etc etc. Oh boy!). And these kids tend to be the type of kids who a) self diagnose (OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON SELF DIAGNOSING OH MY FUCK. I WILL GO ON A GODDAMN TANGENT ON WHY THAT IS WRONG AND STUPID AND…oh god no no no no no!!!) and b) make things up for attention and….oh, there’s a few other things but self diagnosing is honestly the one major thing that I have seen consistently in otherkin that makes me just over the top infuriated is self diagnosing. And of course I’d LOVE to say “age is just a number”, but oh boy, that’d be a lie. A big one.
Yeah, age is just a number for certain things. But there is a consistency in certain age groups for certain things. And teenagers (mostly the younger ones, like 15 and younger) tend to be the ones I just cannot handle. I just. ..oh boy. I just hate kids. In general. Lol.
I mean, I’m friends with a handful of teenagers, but they’re not close friends. When you hit your 20’s, things really start to change and I, for one, changed into someone who cannot handle the petty issues teenagers bitch about (like high school drama is what I’m mainly talking about because they aren’t in the real world yet so they think all these issues are huge when they’re not). I mean, I did the same thing. When I was a teenager, I thought my problems were fucking huge. Like I was overwhelmed by them. But then when I moved into my first apartment, got a full time job, and started college full time and started really getting into the real world, that quickly changed. Only took me about a month or two for me to realize something along the lines of “Well, fuck me. Everyone was right. I was wrong. Being an adult is so much more overwhelming than adolescence”. Don’t get me wrong; kids problems are still HELLA important and need to be taken very seriously…but a lot of times they don’t realize how big the issues in the real world are after you get into it and are forced to become an “adult”.
And THAT is what makes the majority of teenagers (mostly the younger ones) really, really, really annoying to me. They just. ..drain me with all the petty stuff. And I can’t handle the immaturity either (cue someone attempting to call me immature as a comeback!…but oh wait! Koen already knows there are certain things he is very immature about because Koen is in his early 20’s and still has a lot of time left in this world to figure everything out so he is growing at his own pace and that is perfectly alright! Ohhhh wow!) but…I mean, none of that is really the kids faults. That is just because of their age; their lack of life experience. Not their fault. But that doesn’t stop me from getting pissed off about it. I just don’t take it out on them because I know it is not their fault. I just can’t handle being friends with a lot of kids…coz they all tend to be like this.
I’m rambling…as I normally do. I digress.
Otherkin just bother me, piss me off, annoy me, aggravate me…I’d even go as far to say I’m offended by otherkin (I hate using the word offended because that is just such a…idk, I just don’t like that word. Haha.) But I guess it is necessary to use it because I legitimately am offended by otherkin. They offend the fuck out of me.
That doesn’t stop me from being friends with the person if they are someone I click with…but I will still be quite offended by them. Especially if they start telling me absolutely ridiculous things like I have seen a LOT of otherkin talk about…Oh god, those things just get on my nerves and eventually I have to be like “Okay. Stop. Just stop. Just…seriously, stop. I can’t handle this anymore. Just shut up.” Hah. Idk, man.
But…uh…yeah. I went into the otherkin tag to get a laugh one time and then came out of the tag like 5 minutes later so angry that I almost physically destroyed my phone. I just…I’m a bit appalled by them, tbh.
I don’t want anyone to take this personally because the otherkin I am friends with do not obsess over being an otherkin. Their life does not surround the fact they are an otherkin. Just like my being trans does not dictate my whole life. In fact, normally it is not even something that comes up. Because I mean…I’m just male. I know I’m male. Everyone else who is important knows I’m male. And that’s that. No big deal, really. I don’t obsess over the fact I am trans nor do I make my life about it (I actually reject the fact I am trans because I hate being identified as “trans” when I am just all in all male. Makes no sense to me.) Those are the kind of otherkin I can tolerate. People who don’t make every single day of their life all about the fact that they are an otherkin.
I just…I don’t like otherkin. There. I said it. I don’t. I just don’t. AGAIN, that does NOT mean I won’t like someone who happens to also be an otherkin…and I will also definitely respect all your preferences if you are an otherkin I care about (no matter how ridiculous I think it is) because it is important that you feel comfortable and are not triggered. So I will begrudgingly respect all of that (what I call) nonsense. But I won’t ever bring up my opinion of otherkin unless prompted to do so with a question because there’s really no need for me to spread negative vibes for no reason. But I’m not going to just not express my opinion if I am asked because damnit if you ask me something, expect me to answer. And I will answer bluntly and honestly, no matter how negative it may be. I won’t lie about my opinion. (Because I just don’t lie in general. That’s just the kind of person I am.)
An opinion is just that…an opinion. So…take from that whatever you will.
I hope I answered your question, nonny. I don’t enjoy talking about otherkin, though. It gets me angry. So sorry if this came off snappy/aggressive/passive aggressive???? Idk. Lmao. But yeah. There you have it…. .…my opinion.
|—||Mark Patterson (via h-auptgewinn)|
she literally embodies the idea of determination and fierceness
Love Blue Hair edmdma:
High up. via Tumblr
You know, it is really fucking annoying when people re post my pictures. ESPECIALLY without even bothering to ask permission. Sure, yeah, giving credit is cool and all, which you did, but holy fucking wow please don’t repost my pics. Thanks.
(Also I’m a boy. Like, … I’m male. You know? So if you would either delete this or whatever, that’d be cool. Coz man this REALLY fucking gets on my nerves.)
Like wow you make me really angry. Jeeze. Since you gave me credit, at least, that saved you from me reporting you. But holy fucking wow. Yeah don’t fucking do that. Especially without asking permission. Jesus christ that makes me mad.
That doesn’t go for just me. That goes for everyone. Thanks.
(Also, do it again and you will be reported. Not just by me but by a good handful of my 3k+ followers. Coz re-posting is not fucking cool, jackass.)
He misses you. C:
Guess whose so short that he can’t fit into the picture?
Fuck me. I love this. It makes me laugh every time because I very literally come up to your chest at the very highest. Like…that is when I’m standing up straight.
Fuck you. Hahaha.