I feel so goddamn depressed and I hate myself and to be completely and totally honest, the suicidal thoughts have come back but I won’t do anything about them because of Tiffy.
Getting high, so to speak, on pain killers every night isn’t enough. I want to trip. I feel so lacking if I’m not tripping when I should be. It’s been two days. TWO. FUCKING. DAYS. Not even, really. Only two without tripping and I feel like I need it more than ever.
I took a fuckton of pain killers and my body feels lovely, but…my mind does not, nor does my sight. I can still see reality. I can still think about reality. When I’m tripping or rolling, I don’t have any sense of reality, really. And it’s such a lovely, beautiful escape…it’s the perfect escape.
I’m so scared of going into a psychosis again and my body has really had it with all the substances I’ve been using the past six years. There’s so much wrong with me, health-wise, I’m not sure how much more my body can handle and I’m really pushing the limits. I can feel it. I feel like any day now, one pill is going to push everything over the edge and there will be a time when doctors just can’t save me from myself anymore. And I know logically if I keep this up, that time is soon.
But I need it. All the escapes that I had from reality before I started drugs when I was a kid (video games, books, anime, manga, writing, drawing, making music, etc) don’t help anymore. Hell, I don’t even enjoy anything anymore unless I’m tripping or rolling. But that psychosis was so so so so so utterly terrifying…I can’t go through that again. I was lucky it lasted as short of a time as it did and I’m also lucky it didn’t kill me. I can’t do it a second time. I won’t be able to handle that.
But I need to trip. I need to. I can’t handle reality. I know I can’t. I need an escape and it’s the only one I have. I think I might go out tomorrow and get some triple c’s or x (which one I get depends on my money situation by tomorrow). Just enough for…for one night. Maybe two nights. I need it…I think that should be okay. Just one or two more nights of tripping won’t hurt. Besides, I need to starve myself more and I broke down and ate something today. I still have 18 more pounds to go before I reach my goal weight and a little over a month till the time I said that I’ll be there. I need drugs otherwise I’ll cave after a few days.
Yeah…it’ll be okay. It’ll help, not hurt. I can become happy again. Just need a few more days of tripping.