I…might…legitimately have a problem . ..
My mom got her pain killer prescription filled today. Immediately stole some.
Thank you god.
I was going to fucking slit my throat if I had to go another day without pks.
I honest to god was.
I’m happy now.
I’m okay now.
Everything is okay now!
I have pain killers in my system.
I couldn’t handle it.
Every single day… I would pace back and forth for about an hour and text and call people nonstop in the area asking for pain killers.
No one has enough to give away and no one has any for sale for another couple weeks.
And I’d lay there in bed at night and cry and claw at myself, wishing I had some.
I’d try my hardest not to mention it to anyone, but sometimes it would slip out and I’d end up asking Tiffy to send me some.
And then last night… …I snapped.
I absolutely snapped.
I snapped at Tiffy, saying HORRIBLE things …stuff like if she didn’t send me pills, she didn’t really love me. And if she trusted me, she’d send me pills. And completely ignoring her emotional distress. And I ended up yelling at her, ranting at her, and then I panicked.
I completely panicked, thinking she wasn’t going to send me some.
And I fucking destroyed my bathroom.
Ripped the shelf off the wall, ripped the bath towel out of the wall, threw my drawer organizer across the bathroom, slipped on the tile, ripped the shower head out of the wall, cut my leg on the bath head, ripped the soap thingy off, and then I crawled out, bleeding and bruised, and yelled at Tiffy some more and was threatening to off myself if she didn’t send me pills. Saying “You don’t love me! I’ll slit my throat if you don’t.” stupid stuff like that.
And the worst part is…I was willing to go to ANY lengths to get them …even if it meant hurting her. And I almost shattered my mirror.
I was so upset that I took the metal toilet paper holder and swung it at my mirror but right when it was about to collide, I blacked out and dropped it.
Hit my head on the wall, collapsed on the tile, and woke up seconds later so nauseous that I had to crawl to the toilet and immediately throw up.
I then collapsed on the floor, crying and shaking and clawing at my arms (which I now have claw marks all over them) and begging…well, idk who, but begging in tears for pain killers. No one was there but I just couldn’t stop begging.
Then I felt faint.
And passed out on the tile floor till about 5am this morning, when I woke up SO goddamn sore that I couldn’t even walk and crawled to my bed and curled up and went back to sleep for a couple hours.
And this morning I woke up so depressed and so in need of pain killers that I texted Tiffy being like “Name your price. I’ll send you money. I don’t know how but I will. Just fucking send me pills.” or something like that…then I went upstairs and frantically searched through my moms medicine drawer to find that she had FINALLY gotten her pain killer prescription refilled.
I immediately stole and downed a bunch of them…and now I feel better.
Calm. Happy. In control. Focused. Loved. Okay.
All because of a handfull of pain killers…… . .
What the fuck is wrong with me!?
When I walked into my bathroom after taking the pain killers, I just stopped. I stopped and stared at everything I had done last night…and slowly went through my text messages with Tiffy last night… and…
I just… I was so ashamed of myself…I don’t even know…
I didn’t think I was dependent on anything but… why the hell did I freak out like that?
I don’t understand. I absolutely LOST it last night and hurt the person I love. ..all over pills. ._.
I just…don’t fucking understand myself anymore.