I made a promise to myself after I stole all those pills from my mom that I’d never do it again.
Because when I confessed to her that it was me that stole 60+ pills from her, she was crying because she didn’t have a refill and because she couldn’t afford anymore and she really needed them coz the surgeries and such from her cancer and from the chemo…
I promised I’d never do it again…

And then last night, I was JUST gonna check the bottle and see how many she had left… and even though she didn’t have any, somehow…some ended up in my pocket…y’know. . ?

And I just took them this morning…

Lo and behold, my tolerance has gone down. But I still took as many as I used to because I thought I could handle it…
And …of course… I ended up in the bathroom…throwing up and shivering and shaking in a cold sweat… and everything hurts…And I had to lay there on the bathroom floor, crying and shaking coz it hurt so much.

I still feel sick…very very sick…
And I’m so hot that I’m sweating like crazy and shivering and my hands are shaking so violently it’s rather hard to type and I have to keep correcting my typing.
…so hot…

I guess karma paid me a visit.
Goddamn…

I hate how my entire body KNOWS when I’m going to come down off drugs now…like, it gives me warning signs and my whole mood abruptly drops about 2 notches from euphoric to just…happy.

And then it just slowly slips down to suicidal depression from there over the course of the next hour or two if I don’t redose…but I normally do redose unless I have something important going on the next day or ran out of drugs. But I have an abundance right now so… Guess I’m gonna redose like normal.

Goddamn.
It makes me depressed to think this is my life though.

When I first wake up and before I do anything else (including get out of bed), I pop pain killers. Every 2-3 days, I increase the dose coz the effect dulls every 2-3 days and I kind of have to.
About 5-6 hours after I wake up I normally start smoking heroin and if I have any extra drugs (like dxm or lsd or x) I pop those then as well. And then I sit and smoke heroin for …quite a while. Keep having to up that dose a small bit every 3-4 days, too.

And then when everything starts wearing off, it does it in phases. Pain killers start wearing off, then whatever else I took, then the heroin. But I normally redose the second the pain killers start wearing off.

I can honestly say I do not remember the last time I was sober.

I mean, it’s great and all but…now that I’m not noticing time passing by when I look back at the dates and numbers on a calander, I keep thinking “Wow, it’s been THAT long…?” and it’s just…kinda shocking.

Idk.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. ..guess coz I’m coming down and I’m depressed and need to redose before I get suicidal.

But yeah. This is my life.

My mom got her pain killer prescription filled today. Immediately stole some.
Thank you god.
I was going to fucking slit my throat if I had to go another day without pks.
I honest to god was.

I’m happy now.
I’m okay now.
Everything is okay now!
I have pain killers in my system.

I couldn’t handle it.

Every single day… I would pace back and forth for about an hour and text and call people nonstop in the area asking for pain killers.
No one has enough to give away and no one has any for sale for another couple weeks.

And I’d lay there in bed at night and cry and claw at myself, wishing I had some.
I’d try my hardest not to mention it to anyone, but sometimes it would slip out and I’d end up asking Tiffy to send me some.

And then last night… …I snapped.
I absolutely snapped.
I snapped at Tiffy, saying HORRIBLE things …stuff like if she didn’t send me pills, she didn’t really love me. And if she trusted me, she’d send me pills. And completely ignoring her emotional distress. And I ended up yelling at her, ranting at her, and then I panicked.
I completely panicked, thinking she wasn’t going to send me some.
And I fucking destroyed my bathroom.
Ripped the shelf off the wall, ripped the bath towel out of the wall, threw my drawer organizer across the bathroom, slipped on the tile, ripped the shower head out of the wall, cut my leg on the bath head, ripped the soap thingy off, and then I crawled out, bleeding and bruised, and yelled at Tiffy some more and was threatening to off myself if she didn’t send me pills. Saying “You don’t love me! I’ll slit my throat if you don’t.” stupid stuff like that.
And the worst part is…I was willing to go to ANY lengths to get them …even if it meant hurting her. And I almost shattered my mirror.

I was so upset that I took the metal toilet paper holder and swung it at my mirror but right when it was about to collide, I blacked out and dropped it.
Hit my head on the wall, collapsed on the tile, and woke up seconds later so nauseous that I had to crawl to the toilet and immediately throw up.
I then collapsed on the floor, crying and shaking and clawing at my arms (which I now have claw marks all over them) and begging…well, idk who, but begging in tears for pain killers. No one was there but I just couldn’t stop begging.

Then I felt faint.
Really faint.

And passed out on the tile floor till about 5am this morning, when I woke up SO goddamn sore that I couldn’t even walk and crawled to my bed and curled up and went back to sleep for a couple hours.

And this morning I woke up so depressed and so in need of pain killers that I texted Tiffy being like “Name your price. I’ll send you money. I don’t know how but I will. Just fucking send me pills.” or something like that…then I went upstairs and frantically searched through my moms medicine drawer to find that she had FINALLY gotten her pain killer prescription refilled.

I immediately stole and downed a bunch of them…and now I feel better.
Calm. Happy. In control. Focused. Loved. Okay.

All because of a handfull of pain killers…… . .

What the fuck is wrong with me!?

When I walked into my bathroom after taking the pain killers, I just stopped. I stopped and stared at everything I had done last night…and slowly went through my text messages with Tiffy last night… and…
I just… I was so ashamed of myself…I don’t even know…

I didn’t think I was dependent on anything but… why the hell did I freak out like that?
I don’t understand. I absolutely LOST it last night and hurt the person I love. ..all over pills. ._.

I just…don’t fucking understand myself anymore.

So I don’t have access to any dealers for a little under a month and it’s driving me insane.
I’m sick of dxm and lsd coz that’s all I can get right now.

I’ve heard of people buying pain killers online and that’s exactly what I’m craving; pain killers.

I’m REALLY wary of buying anything online because I know how easy it is to get ripped off online. And I’m scared I’m gonna get found out and all this other bullshit. I’ve never bought anything online coz of those reasons. But I’m desperate enough right now to try to find a legitimate site that sells pain killers without prescriptions.

Does anyone know any?
Something that’s safe, a fair price, and quality…?

Have I…become dependent on my meds…?

I… I thought they weren’t doing anything. I swore they were neither hurting nor helping.
But I’ve noticed…the past few nights…I’ve gotten morbidly depressed, borderline suicidal, all around the same times. (about 11pmish, give or take an hour) and then all of a sudden… I get this strong urge not to take them. Like I want to fucking throw them somewhere and never use them ever again.

And then Tiffy always manages to convince me to take them. And about an hour or two after I do…I feel… calm. Again. Not happy or content, but… sad instead of depressed/suicidal. Which is much, much more manageable and easier to cope with.

I…I can’t tell if the Celexa is doing it or if my mind has just convinced myself that a certain time means certain moods… . .

I…don’t understand… . .

I actually haven’t a clue why I’m sharing this with you guys but these are the pills I take every single fuckin’ day at 7pm-10pm (depending on when I remember). Along with two vitamin gummies.

This is what I take everyday that is on top of whatever drugs I do, whatever other meds I have to take, and whatever alcohol I’m drinking. Lmao.

I’m so fucking healthy. I know.

I’m taking a pure caffeine pill to stay awake.
Goddamnit I hope these things help me throughout the day.
I’ma keep popping them when i get tired coz I have a whole pack of ‘em.
Nyehhh…

I have a lotta stuffs to do today that I really don’t wanna do … ;A;
I can’t wait to get home tonight and fuckin’ crash and go to sleep foreverrrrrrr. Ugh.

Seriously. If anyone can actually help me with this, I will be eternally grateful and do whatever the fuck you want me to.

“

Weiterlesen

I take my antidepressant, allergy med, and another pill every day at 7. I take my migraine medication almost once a day, if not more. I do pain killers normally at a very high doseage (roxy’s, trams, or oxy’s) when I first wake up every morning and I snort coke throughout the day. Then when the pain killers start to wear off, I normally dose on anywhere from 20-60 pills of DXM. Every. Single. Day.
This is sometimes on top of drinking alcohol or taking other medicine as well. And this is ALL on top of eating one thing or nothing every day (because I’m an idiot and I naturally starve myself for weeks at a time).

It has been like this for weeks. Maybe months.

And I’m still perfectly fine.

What the fuck?
Does this not prove I’m immortal or something? Lmao.
Jeeze. Drugs love me as much as I love them.

SKITTLES. c; Time to fucking robotrip.

WHAT THE FUCK.
I CAN’T EVEN SWALLOW TRIPLE C’S ANYMORE…MY BODY WON’T LET ME. HOLY FUCK.
MY BODY IS VERY LITERALLY REJECTING THE DRUG ENTIRELY AND NOT LETTING IT ENTER MY BODY.

HOW DOES IT KNOW WHAT PILLS I’M SWALLOWING!? HOLY FUCK, WHAT THE HELL. BODY’S AREN’T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. NO NO NO. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SWALLOW THE PILLS I GIVE YOU. NOT COUGH THEM BACK UP IMMEDIATELY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TRY. NO NO NO. OH MY GOD.

Loooookit all the pills I hasss…

Triple c’s, Trams, and Adderall………….!

Fuck it, I’m taking all these triple c’s tonight. Who am I kidding? One night without drugs? Lol, whatever…Fuck sobriety, time to get trippyyyyy.