My throat is extremely sore.
And my nose is all stuffy.
And I can’t stop shivering even though I’m wrapped in five layers of blankets.
I swear to god if I’m coming down with something it’d better be fuckin’ pneumonia because I’m not dealing with some motherfuckin’ bitch-ass cold.
Every drug I put in my body lately has been making me very, very, abnormally sick…like…sick enough to make me have to run to the bathroom and throw up a ton of times every day.
Normally it’s just severe nausea where I have to lay down.
And then pain.
But now I’m actually throwing up a ton.
I thought maybe changing drugs would help or make the sick feeling go away…but it’s not. It keeps intensifying with every day and every time I dose…
What the fuck is going on with me? :|
Got reaaaaaally sick… Ended up stopping and getting a hotel room. Ugh…more money that I don’t have…oh well… Will continue my journey tomorrow… I hope to god I’m feeling better… . . Leave me something…? It’ll make me feel a little better…
I’m trippibg…on dxm…but I took like 400mg of tramadol. Coz I was tired and felt sick…..and wanted to knock myswlf out.
But now not onlu do I feel even more sick, but this is really fucking weirdd and I have no conntrol and hot and my insides feel like there’s lava being poured over them. I don’t even know how to describe this trip… . Fuckin… I almost feel like I mixed an upper and a downer and my body is fuckin gonna explodw from trying to figure out which effect to use… .
All this on top of my anti depressant and 3 glasses of wine too…..lmao my body must absolutely hate me………. Fuck I feel so sick….
I…I feel so sick…ugh.
And my heart is racing an abnormal amount.
And I’m so hot even though it’s 68 degrees in my house.
:c Wtf, body? …ergh…why…
Anorexia: A Rant
Coming from someone who has been there done that…here’s the reality because I’m currently in the aftermath of it all.
Here’s my story.
(Also, I have no idea why I decided to rant on this…lmao. I just got the urge. Shhh.)
OH MY GOD.
Thanks to Tiffy…I just figured out what the fuck is wrong with me!
Ahhhh fuck. Finally. I’m not crazy, it’s not the flu, and I’m not dying.
It’s my fucking anti-depressants.
I’m experiencing like 90% of the side effects, wtffff.
Probably coz I mixed them with drugs so much…fuck…ugh.
But yeah. I’m just gonna stop taking them.
One of the side effects is ‘abnormal dreams’. Not only have I been having those waking dreams I talked about, but I’ve always been having REALLY weird ones about stuff in real life mixing with a bunch of fiction and it’s just really weird and kinda freaking me out a bit and that would explain a lot and oh my goddddddd.
Anyone good with medical stuff wanna tell me what’s wrong with me…?
I hate feeling this physically ill all the damn time.
I don’t know what’s wrong so I don’t know how to fix it either.
A part of me just wants to check myself into a hospital and basically have them run a test for, well…everything…
But that’s impossible and way too time consuming and financially impossible.
I feel like everything inside me is just…way out of whack. Like, absolutely nothing is right.
My symptoms all day every day are like this;
I constantly feel nauseous, I constantly have a mild headache, my nose won’t stop running, my stomach constantly mildly hurts, my throat is a bit sore, my eyes are stinging all the time, my brain is having these ridiculous waking dreams that are confusing the fuck out of me and making me question reality, my joints feel sore, my left side always gets these sharp pains, when I suck in my stomach or stretch it feels like I’m putting pressure and crushing every organ inside of me, I get vertigo whenever I stand up, my body is shaky while I’m awake, cold temperatures feel hot and hot temperatures feel like death, I have a mild fever, I can’t walk for more than a few minutes without feeling faint, I can barely run or jump around, I’m yawning every 5 minutes to a half an hour even when I’m not tired, I’m sleeping for amounts of time hours upon hours more than normal, my teeth are in pain and feel like they’re all just gonna fall out randomly, I’ve been sweating really randomly even when I feel just a little warm (because I never feel cold), I can’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time without waking up, I can’t seem to feel comfortable in any position whatsoever, my appetite is completely gone and I haven’t felt the feeling of hunger in about a month now (only time I’ve been eating is when my mother reminds me every couple days), nothing tastes normal or like it should, whenever I do happen to eat something my body starts shaking even worse than normal and sometimes I have to lie down in between bites…a lot of other little things I’m probably not thinking of.
Am I just dying slowly or something…? I’ve felt like this for weeks and I keep thinking it’ll just get better one day and, well . .it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse…
I feel so awful . .
Being this happy makes me feel sick.
I’m constantly worrying about if it’s real or not and no amount of reassurance can tell me it is even though I know in the back of my mind it is.
I’m also constantly worrying if I’m just going to wake up one day and things will have changed or my suicidal depression will just come back for no reason.
Now that I’m finally free, if that feeling ever hit me again for no legitimate reason that I could fix or find a way to fix or for an extended period of time, …I don’t know if I could handle it.
Thinking of going back to the way I was terrifies me. And the fact that I have no goddamn control over my emotions anymore even further worries me because everything about myself has become unpredictable. I never even know how I’m going to react to things anymore because I’ve literally changed SO much since leaving Jacksonville.
Even though I’m experiencing true emotions of happiness and euphoria that I’ve never felt before, it’s making me feel sick and on-edge.
But if being happy makes me feel sick and being neutral makes me feel like I need to do something extreme and being depressed makes me suicidal… . .what the fuck does that leave me? Am I too fucked up to just experience emotions like a goddamn normal human being?
Am I the only one that feels sick and paranoid when I’m happy? Maybe I just have to get used to it…ugh, Idk.
But thinking about everything that could go wrong…thinking about how this feeling isn’t going to last forever…it’s almost bringing me to tears and making me somewhat depressed itself. But at the same time, I still feel happy because Tiffy is in my life. So…what?
I’m confused. I don’t understand…
All I ever wanted was to be happy and now I finally got it…so why is making me feel sick and uneasy? Why can I never just…be normal for once?
Weird and different is good, but…I’d kill to experience normal for a day, even though the concept of normal is so skewed from person to person. Fuck… … . .idk.
I woke up this morning and since I stood up, my whole body has been shaking like crazy…and I can’t seem to stop it. Not enough to warrant alarm or anything like that because I’ve never had a seizure or anything, but enough to be noticable and make doing everyday tasks annoying. And my pupils are still dilated like crazy even though I slept off the drugs. And I feel really sick and I’ve been sweating, but I don’t feel hot or cold so it doesn’t make sense. And I have dry mouth like a fucking bitch…as well as vertigo everytime I move a significant amount (like standing up or switching positions).
…what the fuck is going on?…This doesn’t feel like the time I went into hypoglycemic shock, but it’s kind of similar, yet that was so damn sudden and instantaneous and this is really slow and gradual.
I don’t know. This is really fucking with my head…I have to get my schoolwork done but I can’t even fucking focus because I’m shaking so much and my body is acting so strangely.
On the plus side, I’ve dropped 3 pounds since yesterday. That much closer to my goal weight. /happy. c: